It’s Noodle, aka “Noods,” “Schmoo,” “Girlfriend,” “Potato,” “Noodie,” “Noodlina,” “Spicy Noodle,” “Noodle Patricia,” “Chicken Noodle,” or “Nevernude.”
Typically, Kelly and Mitch fall asleep on the couch from 10 to 11 every night (#lame), and it’s awesome. While I’m a normally a very well-behaved dog, I pretty much do whaaaatever I want for this one magical hour. In short, I rule the house. It’s my castle, and I’m the queen bee.
Some of my favorite activities during this time:
- Going on hunts for paper, and then shredding it underneath the dining room table
- Taking all my toys out of the toy bin and spreading them around various rooms
- Running laps (approximately 1.5 miles)
- Eating the soles out of Mitch’s shoes
- Figuring out a way to get downstairs and poop in the bathroom (I love leaving surprises, but I’m civilized)
- Unraveling the toilet paper
- Licking the Apple TV remote so it’s nice and sticky for the next user
But last night, as I was jumping off the couch to partake in my usual evening escapades, Kelly’s shiny laptop caught my eye, and it dawned on me: I hate that thing. I mean, can you imagine just how many more tummy rubs and games of fetch I’d get if computers didn’t exist?
I’ll admit: I thought about peeing in it, as it was wide open. But I learned my lesson last year with the Tory Burch and Jack Rogers sandals. Mess with Mitch’s stuff, and no one really cares. But Kelly’s stuff?
She cries. Ain’t no dog got time for that. And it only results in far fewer chicken treats.
Not. Worth. It.
Instead, I decided to take to the blog. Because I’m almost always sitting in Kelly’s lap when she’s working on it, it took me all of 15 seconds to get to the site, log in, and start my own post. AND THAT’S WITHOUT OPPOSABLE THUMBS!
You might ask, “Why a blog post, Noodle?”
Well, the answer is simple: I have a bone to pick with Kelly.
I love her, but she paints me as this funny, stumpy little animal… and sometimes she embarrasses me. For example, the other day, when I ate all those earplugs, she really disappointed me. Yes, she snuggled me on the couch and told me how much she loved me after it was all said and done, but she also POISONED me with hydrogen peroxide and made me throw up all over the place… AND THEN SHE POSTED IT TO SOCIAL MEDIA.
Like, what?! We’re supposed to be best friends. Wtf, Kelly?
(Wtf = “Where’s the food?”)
How ’bout a little sympathy? Something like, “Yes, Noodle. I can see how you thought those earplugs were dog treats.”
Also, I’m not as simple-minded as she portrays me. Just take a look at the Instagram account she manages for me! (Actually, let’s be serious. It’s just an afterthought for her. The last time “I” posted was a WEEK ago!) But let’s go over some of the captions:
IT’S SPRING! I celebrated by stripping naked and running down the street. #goodbyedoggyouterwear – Yeah, not okay.
I enjoy sleeping on top of a down comforter, on top of a fleece blanket, on top of a pillow, on top of a mattress pad, on top of a pillow-top mattress. And another blanket on top of me. – REALLY, Kelly. Why don’t I just take this moment to let everyone know that you often sleep until noon, under that same down comforter and fleece blanket, and on top of that same pillow-top mattress and mattress pad? How about THAT?
It’s all fun and games until somebody ends up in a cone. – Again, I can’t believe you’d make one of my most humiliating moments PUBLIC!
Truly, I’m a complex dog with far deeper thoughts. Am I often focused on where my next chicken treat is coming from? Sure. But admit it: your mind is regularly on your next meal, too. Many times throughout the day, for example, I think about how I can make people happy. (My tricks–like roll over; pound it; bang, bang, you’re dead; and high-five–are always crowd-pleasers.) Or how many degrees of separation there are between all dogs. Or whether I’d see the world in a different light if I were a few inches taller.
Another complaint? The fact that I’m featured on the blog VERY infrequently. Yes, I have my own “category.” But it’s kind of hidden, and Kelly doesn’t update it regularly. Frankly, it hurts my feelings. Like, we spend a LOT of time together. We snuggle constantly. She’s fine with getting naked in front of me. She’ll even cry in front of me, and tell me what’s upsetting her. BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I’M HER SECRET DOG. I mean, would it kill her to include just a single sentence about me in her daily blog posts? I don’t think so.
And, really, I’m a fashionable dog. Heck, I was named one of the most “Absurdly Chic Dogs” by Buzzfeed this year. AND I QUOTE: “1. Noodle, who’s got that classic cutiepie thing down.” (Number one! Classic Cutiepie! No blog post about that, though.)
Am I not justified in feeling like my photo should be included more often? While it would be nice, I’m not asking for a dedicated post every week; I just want the opportunity to flaunt my stuff once in a while.
ONCE IN A WHILE.
So you know what? Today I’m going to take that opportunity. Below are a few of my favorite looks from over the last couple of years.
DOGS CAN BE STYLISH, TOO.
Also, I love you and I’m sorry, Kelly. (Or “Schmelly,” as I secretly call you.) Please don’t reduce my chicken treat intake this week. Also, I didn’t delete the post that was supposed to go up today. It’s saved in “drafts.” (Though I did insert a couple of photos of myself.)
Leather accents and tartan – Very in this past winter. (Logan Richard collar)
Pretty in pink.
Ears majestically blowing in the wind. Natural poses are important!
Sometimes it’s less about your your outfit, and more about the background.
Navy puffer vest. A classic.
Anchor sweater. Always popular with the Preppies.
L.L. Bean collar – Embroidery and social handles.
Playing with patterns and textures. (Heart collars for the win!)
Promoting safety. Lifejackets are important for ALL. Just doin’ my part.
I thought this was degrading until I realized HOW MANY TREATS I’d get just by walking around the neighborhood in it. Sign me up to be a hot dog every Halloween.
Rubber boots and pops of color: HUGE!
Ugg boots are coming back.
Naked, yes, but boudoir is in.
Happy April Fool’s Day ;)