Photo from this original post.
After Kate Spade’s tragic passing earlier this summer, I wrote this post. An abridged version actually appeared first in this Instagram, but because a good number of my readers don’t use IG, I put it up on the blog, too. In the piece, I said that I’d had a blog post about my battle with depression in my “drafts” folder for years. I also promised that I’d publish it in the near future in an effort to build awareness and understanding, to remind those who are suffering privately and in solitude that they aren’t alone, and to encourage them to seek help. So here we are.
First, I should note that I’m not currently struggling with depression. I did experience a bout of it this past spring, but I’m good now. So no cause for concern! I’ve just been running this site for five years at this point (whoa), and along the way I’ve learned that I should really only blog about personal issues once I’m in a relatively good place with them. I don’t need to have totally conquered them in order to write about ’em, but publishing “Friendship Lost” in the middle of the experience, for example? Probably not the best idea for me.
While talking to and leaning on a handful of people in my life is a must, having an audience of sorts while I’m low hasn’t proven to be helpful. Instead, I prefer to blog about tough stuff once I’m mostly on the other side of it, as I’m able to think more clearly about what I’ve been through and be more reflective about it. I’m able to determine what I can take away from it all so I can learn, grow, and become a better (and happier) person… and just as importantly, I’m hopefully able to help others who might be going through something similar. This isn’t an excuse for why it’s taken me so long to publish this post; I totally wish I’d done it years ago! I suppose I just want to preface everything with this.
So what’s my story? It all started my freshman year of college, but it took me a couple of years to realize that I was depressed. I was too afraid to admit that something was going on, and I also didn’t connect the dots that there was a pattern to my reoccurring sadness.
These were rough times.
In the beginning, it was somewhat manageable. It ebbed and flowed, and somehow, I was able to hide it or disguise it as something else. School, boy problems, friends, stress–whatever. But during my junior year, things escalated so much that I was sure I was going to fail out of college. Getting myself out of bed was next to impossible, and actually going to class? Right. I woke up every day in tears, and it took everything in my power to stop the crying spells that would occur throughout the day.
I spent a lot of time crying in the shower, where no one could hear me, movie-style… and there was a constant heavy feeling in my chest, which I can only liken to the feeling I’ve had when someone’s died, as dismal as that might be. It was completely debilitating. Sometimes it was hard to breathe. I withdrew from family and friends; lost a ton of weight; no longer cared about music, reading, writing and photography; and got into a lot of arguments. Usually about me being a bad or distant friend. Logically, I knew I had so many people in my life who cared about and loved me, but I felt utterly alone and hopeless.
Finally, I reached out to my parents and told them about what was going on, and Dad jumped on Fairfield-bound train from NYC and took me to a doctor. Pretty quickly, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder.
At first, I was kind of like, “Okaaaay. I think I’ve heard of that. Lots of people feel down and out during the winter and wish for warmer, sunnier days. But this is NOT that. People don’t flunk out of college because of the Winter Blues. They’re not this serious.”
Yes and no. Sure, the Winter Blues are common. Nearly anyone you talk to will tell you that sometime around January or February, they start feeling sluggish, unmotivated, and generally bummed out. Cold and gloom–and an increase of melatonin and a reduction of serotonin–will do that to a person! But most people are able to get through it on their own. Unable to? That’s when we start talking about Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to light. And the seasons, as the condition’s name suggests, play a big role. The idea is that a lack of daylight increases the body’s production of a chemical called melatonin, which regulates sleep and can cause symptoms of depression, and that a drop in sunlight can reduce serotonin, a brain chemical that also affects mood. SAD–ugh, worst and most fitting name ever–typically presents itself in a reoccurring pattern, too.
Most people with Seasonal Affective Disorder start feeling depressed around September or October when the days become shorter, and see improvement around April or May when the days become longer. But this isn’t the case for everyone affected (hello!), and for some, the pattern and/or duration of depressive episodes can change over time. (Yep.) And then a person’s biological clock can play a role as well. For some people (me, duh), the body senses that “winter is coming.” (Even in the summer!) And this triggers depressive episodes when you wouldn’t expect them. Still others (yours truly once again) can fail to come out of those episodes, even in the spring when the days become longer.
Seasonal Affective Disorder is usually treated by light therapy, psychotherapy or medication–or a combination of two or all three. Again, SAD manifests itself differently in people, just like all types of depression do, but some of the more serious symptoms include feelings of hopelessness; increased anxiety, extreme fatigue; insomnia or oversleeping; social withdrawal; crying spells; drastic changes in appetite or weight; hypersensitivity; a “leaden” feeling in arms and legs; irritability; and a loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyed. But I’m starting to sound like an infomercial, so I’ll stop.
Anyway, when I started seeing my doctor, we tried a combination of counseling, light therapy (where I’d sit in front of a light box for extended periods of time every day), and creating small goals for myself. While I gave it my all for a long time, we eventually determined that light and talk therapy just weren’t doing much. I ended up taking medication, and it worked. Until I’d mess it up. For years, I’d take it, start to feel better, and then go off it… only to wind up depressed again the following year. And every time, I’d wait it out as long as I possibly could–hoping it would just go away even though I knew it wouldn’t–until the situation became absolutely dire, and far more difficult to remedy.
Not sure why I did that, or why I’m still reluctant to take medication when it’s fairly obvious that it’s necessary. At one point, perhaps it was because I was ashamed, but I don’t think that’s it anymore. I mean, here I am, telling everyone I know (and tons of people I don’t) about it. Maybe it’s something I try to prove to myself? That I can get through it on my own? And if that’s the case, why do I feel the need to “get through it on my own”? It’s okay to need help. But asking for help–help with stuff outside of depression, too–can be hard. As humans, we’re designed to want to be self-sufficient. So maybe that’s it. Can you identify with this at all?
And what about the fact that I’m simply not myself when I typically have to make decisions about medication? How can I expect myself to see things clearly when I’m so sad?
The strange nature of my supposedly predictable depression likely has something to do with it, too. While SAD is characterized by a pattern, it’s always been a general pattern for me, if that makes sense. In my 20s, the sadness most often started in August… but there were a few years when I made it to November or December. Something upsetting–like a bad breakup, for example–seemed to trigger it, but then there was that one year when everything was going GREAT and it hit earlier than it ever had. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve skipped entire years altogether (!)… but I’ve also failed to come out of depressive episodes when I was expected to.
And then there’s summer. It’s just always so encouraging, and it tends to give me this inflated sense of wellbeing. “Yes! You’re feeling fantastic! You’re fine! No need for this stuff anymore.”
Going back to my story, this is precisely what happened when I graduated from college. I thought to myself, “You’re done with school! This is a new chapter! You’re good!” And boom: that fall, I was faced with yet another emergency situation, similar to the one I’d originally found myself in at Fairfield. Convinced I was about to lose my first job, I found a new doctor in New York, and went through the whole process again–but this time, I decided not to go off the medication. For good measure, I set up a light box on my desk; made an effort to get as much sunlight as possible during the day; forced myself to partake in activities when all I wanted to do was crawl under the covers; altered my diet; and ran fives miles on the reg to pump up serotonin and endorphins.
I got better.
I don’t want to make my 20s sound like a disaster. They honestly weren’t! A decade is a long time, and while I went through some hardships that most 20-somethings go through, they were, for the most part, really awesome years. In retrospect, depression played a small role, and I truly look back on them fondly. Sure, I struggled here and there, but I had a great doctor as well as an amazing family and friends, and happiness triumphed.
Things got even better when I met and fell in love with Mitch. First, I was so unbelievably happy that my symptoms became far less significant and then were largely absent. And since Mitch was almost always with me, he kind of monitored things (in a loving, non-intrusive, non-crazy way).
It’s been years since I’ve had a serious episode. I stopped taking the medication in a responsible way in my late 20s when Mitch and I started trying for kids because we didn’t want to risk anything, and I was good throughout infertility treatments, pregnancy and my first year of motherhood. Kind of amazing–and I wondered whether I’d grown out of it. My doctor said it would be difficult to determine what caused the extremely long and seemingly sudden change. Too many factors at play, from complicated ones like my situation in life to simpler ones like yes, my age. Maybe it wasn’t “sudden” at all. Maybe I’d gradually been improving for a long time.
As luck would have it, it did come back this year, though not as badly as it has in the past. I struggled with the same feelings I always seem to have about medication, but ultimately went back on it, and now I’m on the up and up. Am I at 100 percent? Meh. Probably not, if I’m being honest. But I’m good. I’m happy and enjoying life and feeling so much more like myself. I’m not depressed.
Of course, I’m still picking up the pieces from the bout. During it, I pushed away family and friends like I always do, and I damaged my business and business relationships. Over the years, though, I’ve learned that people are naturally forgiving, and most things can be fixed.
(Note: I hope you don’t think I was trying to be deceptive here on the blog during this time. On tough days, I’d simply throw up an easy outfit post or something like that. This site has always been a big positive in my life; a little escape–like how one sits down to read a book or watch a television show. :) Being cheerful here has truly translated to real-life cheerfulness. So thank you!)
Like I said before, I think depression is just something I’ll always have to deal with. But I’m no longer ashamed of it, and while it’s not my favorite topic, I try to talk about it, too. It’s a part of me. Not the biggest part, but it’s something that I accept, that I take care of, and that I know I have in common with a lot of other people. Having it has made me more empathetic, and it’s made me better understand people as a whole: that I never really know what another person might be going through. Sunny surfaces can be deceiving.
And mental illness is far more prevalent than we often perceive it to be.
This post is a bit of a rambling mess, and I’m not sure how to close without everything feeling abrupt. But I hope that this adds to the “growing discussion about the need to address mental health issues,” to borrow the NYT’s words. Mental health needs to be on our minds far more than it already is. It’s not enough to talk about it and say “hey, me too!” only when the world loses great people.
It’s too late then.
I also hope this post serves as a reminder that you are not alone. Talk to a family member, a friend, an acquaintance, an online confidant–anyone–and tell them what’s going on. And if all becomes too much, reach out here.
Been there done that, go to church….someone once told me (a lady with several children who was pregnant yet again) that life is about suffering. I thought she was outa her mind…..turns out its so true….
also be careful that your insides match your outsides….its an inside job! many stories in the Bible just like our stories today….life is hard for all of us, rich and poor….the best way out is THRU…eat right and exercise, count your blessings (10 daily) there’s no magic pill, learn how to pray for others, did you know that helping others helps you?!
Hello Kelly, great post!! It was very encouraging and so inspiring.. I think that it is brave of you to open up about mental illness.. More awareness should be brought into light. Although, I never was diagnosed with depression I experienced it throughout my life. My major depression appeared in 2007. Thats when I lost both of my parents in death to complications of Diabetes.. I was hard to grieve for one because they died a week apart. It took me years just to get myself together. I learned that the best therapy was talking to my higher power and counseling..
Hi, Kelly. Thank you so much for posting this. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to hit “publish” but you have reached a lot of people by doing so. I know you mentioned it is hard for you to post when you are in the middle of something and I don’t mean you should do it if it hurts you, but sometimes those posts are also powerful. Sometimes it’s hard to read posts that seem to have been wrapped up in a bow, “I struggled and now everything is great!” Sometimes it’s comforting to hear the struggles of other people as they are experiencing them too. I don’t know if that sounds selfish but what I mean is that it helps us connect. At any rate, thank you for sharing!
I’m so glad you wrote about your issues w/depression. I’m on medication for anxiety & depression and I don’t mind telling anyone & everyone about it, no shame, it’s a part of me now and that’s that. Mine started at 36 with post partum (severe) after the birth of my first son, then my dad died unexpectedly 8 weeks later, I was crushed! That was 12 years ago and I still see a therapist (about every 3-6 months) mainly now for medication maintenance, but seeking help (by first alerting my OB/GYN) and then finding a therapist (a gift from God) was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I’m now 48 and ‘lucky me’ I’ve just been diagnosed w/Pre Dysmorphic Menopausal Syndrome which means I get to go through all of the menopause feelings (night sweats, easily irritated, weight gain) all while still having my period for about another 7 years…. JOY!!!!! For me, my depression is hormone related, so I take my meds at night and I try not to stress about life to much (so hard), exercise, sleep 8 hours (so important!) and just try and enjoy each day that God has given me. Depression sucks, there’s no doubt about it but with the proper tools you can live a happy life w/it…
You are so brave and I understand what you mean! Thanks for sharing, I was always super happy until I moved to the United states and days got shorter and cold, for the first time for me because in Colombia we don’t have seasons and I came from the cost always sunny and 80 summer weather all year long. This is true and a lot of people go through this. The key is find the help when you know you need it and always remember that no matter what, life is so precious with the good and the bads. Keep God in your mind and your heart, and always be GRATEFUL! Because grateful is happiness. Thanks for life, for a new day, for family and friends, for the moon and the sun for everything so you don’t have space for complaining or being sad, being grateful is a good thing it truly put a smile on your face.
Kelly, thank you so much for being vulnerable enough to write and share your experience with depression. I truly believe that the more people share, the more hope we have in removing the stigma associated with mental illness. I never knew much about SAD, so this was informative to read. I’m so happy to hear you’re in a better place right now and I wish you nothing but the best!
Thank you for having the strength and courage to share your story. I know it will help many people today. And what a powerful gift to give! xoxo
Thanks for sharing your story – wow you are brave & courageous! I think so many topics are stigmatized & by you sharing this, you are changing that. You encourage me to speak out about my battle with POTS Syndrome due to Lyme Disease. When I read your blog, I thought of someone I used to jog/train with years ago. And I recall he actually left/moved from Chicago because he had such severe SAD. And he said moving to a sunny climate year round changed his entire life!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Kelly. I’m sure it wasn’t east to write or ultimately hit “publish” but I am so thankful that you did. Depression (and all mental illnesses) need to be more openly discussed and while it isn’t always easy it can have such a huge impact on others. Know that your post is already on its way to helping others!
Taylor | http://www.livingtaylored.com
I’ve been reading your blog for several years, and based solely on your personal style and city-living, I thought we had zero in common!!! However, these recent, more personal posts made me realize that I kept coming back and reading for a reason. Thank you for writing this, because as you say, depression is part of me as well and I try to not be ashamed of it. I truly appreciate you for writing this :)
As a nurse I always remind my coworker to be mindful when speaking with patients and families because you never know what’s is happening in someone’s life. Depression (any mental illness for that matter) is treated as taboo and should not be. Personally, I suffered from post partum depression with both my boys and I was ashamed. How could I have PPD after infertility? I wanted nothing more than to be a mom…we worked so hard to become parents and now all I did was cry! I felt lost, alone and scared. Thankfully my husband and doctor were amazing and knew exactly what to do to help me. My friends and family were wonderful and supportive in ways I simply did not expect. Kelly…there’s no way to thank you for sharing your personal experience with us. We all love and support you!
Kelly, this was so beautiful and well-written. I applaud you and your bravery in sharing your story with the world. I’ve always enjoyed reading the blog, but I admire you so much for this. I’m wishing you all the best, in both the good times and the bad, as you navigate this part of your journey in life!
Thank you so much for this, Kelly! Your honesty will help others! I am a psychotherapist and on average, 80% of people seeking mental health support do so for forms of anxiety and depression — it’s so common we all benefit from talking about it. I personally struggled with major postpartum anxiety and have my own “plan” for when those feelings still pop up for me — and when to seek further help. This is such a beautifully written statement on the struggle and triumph so many people are working through, thank you again.
Kelly thanks for sharing your story – I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years as well – and the more I share my story the more others either share theirs or go get the help they need. No shame in self-care!
thanks for posting, this was incredibly informative and personal! Always enjoy your insightful posts and the eloquence was beautiful.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s so hard to put yourself out there when it comes to big personal struggles.
Jennifer | Mrs Q Beauty
Instagram | Follow Me
Kelly I so appreciate you sharing this. It really helps lessen the stigma of mental illness. I love the point that you wrote about not sharing something until you’re in a better place- that’s something I’ve made the decision to do as well. I miss you!
This was so brave of you to post! Thank you for opening up about such a personal topic. I’m sure it will help so many, including those who are struggling and just don’t know what is wrong. xo
Thanks for opening up about this. It’s great when people are willing to talk about mental illness because (as we all know really) the more we talk about it the more people understand the more we build community. My son was diagnosed with OCD and generalized anxiety about a year and a half ago and this past year has been really really difficult. Watching your kid be in so much pain is so tough. He was willing to talk to his close friends about it though and I was so proud of him for that and I think it’s been really helpful for him. I’ve talked to my close friends about it too which of course, has helped me. I really wish you the best.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I like how you say that depression is a part of you, but not all of you. This past year I’ve been struggling with anxiety and it finally got the best of me. Thank you for sharing to make people like me feel normal and not alone ❤️
There is no shame in letting others know that you have depression. I was diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety) over 7 yrs ago. Though I am sure I had signs of it earlier. In my case it came along with having fibromyalgia (which I have had for over 20 yrs) and DVT. I do yoga and acupuncture and walking to help ease it. For personal reasons I do not want to take medication (I seem to have allergies to a lot of things). In the last few years I have had to put what I am dealing with to the side and help others who were going thru medical issues themselves. In Oct of last year I lost my father. He was a large part of my life. Anxiety rose and I am still working at lowering it.
You have been brave to put forth such a personal subject. Thank you.
Oh my goodness – sending you so much light and love! Remember, you wouldn’t cure cancer by “toughing it out” and you’d never feel “ashamed” by having cancer. Mental health is no different – take the help that is given and be proud of the example you are setting for so many other people who struggle.
I just read this from the link in your current post. It resonated. I spent about a half hour or more of last night — during what I call the witching hour of 4-630 — crying about all sorts of maudlin things. My adult daughter and remembering some bad mom moments and my deceased parents and how much I miss them. It might be seasonal. I have always felt depression coming on in November. I am on some meds but not sure it’s a cure for me. I am old enough to be your mother, but thought I’d comment. Thanks for posting and letting know we are not alone.