Well, I guess I’m officially old now because I spend a lot of time thinking about buying a grandfather clock.
Grandfather clocks are great because they’re expensive, loud, difficult to transport, and totally useless. It’s rare that you’ll find a piece of technology that’s been so ludicrously outpaced by our modern era but somehow is still just hanging around. They’re like record players in that way, but worse.
Even better, the good ones are exceptionally rare. How can you tell a good one from a bad one? You’ll have to ask my wife. You see, she speaks Grandfather Clock, and whenever she starts talking in that tongue, the loud bonging bell sounds are lost on my ill-informed ears. From what I can tell, all the good ones are at least 400 miles away. They hide in small town antique stores that don’t have e-mail and keep irregular hours likely due to their reliance on five-hundred-year-old timepieces.
When you start looking at grandfather clocks, you’re met with an interesting question: “Do I want it to work?” And I’m a little charmed by the fact that there’s a market for broken grandfather clocks. I honestly can’t think of another product that’s afforded such a level of nonchalance.
I often wonder what I will tell a visitor if they question my grandfather clock.
Visitor: What the hell is that?
Me: A grandfather clock.
Visitor: Why is it in your house?
Me: Because my wife wanted one and I lack sufficient standing to dissuade her.
Visitor: Well, at least you’ll know the time if you happen to be standing in this room looking in this particular direction.
Me: Well, no, because it’s broken.
Visitor: I hope it was cheap!
Me: It’s one of the most expensive things I own. I had to drive to Wyoming to pick it up and it is too large for most commercially available vehicles.
Visitor: I have to go somewhere else now.
All jokes aside, grandfather clocks are ridiculous and I do love them. But so far, we’ve been striking out—mostly because we don’t know what we’re looking for.
Here’s the thing, though. We have an awesome community here! And I was thinking: While I’m taking over the blog this week—oh yeah, did I tell you that I’m doing that so Kelly can read a book while we’re at the lake house?—why not ask my internet friends if they have any tips or guidance regarding the topic. If you do, please let me know in the comments below!
And if you happen to have a great aunt who is looking to downsize her ridiculous wooden mechanical inefficient time-telling device into, I dunno, a satellite-connected smartphone with time accurate to the vibrations of the atom, let me know that, too. ;)