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This might be the single-most blogger-like thing I’ve ever done. (Keep in mind that I’m a dude.) I used Pottery Barn, West Elm and Crate and Barrel—some of Kelly’s favorite brands for holidays—as inspiration to find inexpensive decor on Amazon. Turns out that you don’t have to drop and arm/leg (or wait the long shipping times) to have your home looking cute for Halloween. Unless you’re Frankenstein. Because he drops arms and legs all the time.
Dad Joke. Ba-boom.
1. Triple Glass Cloche: A cloche is a translucent cover for displaying or protecting plants. But you can display anything in these cloches like pumpkins, ghosts, squashes (squashi?) or even the money you saved buying on Amazon instead of Pottery Barn. (What?)
2. Amber Glass Pumpkin: I would break this pumpkin so quickly and efficiently that I’d be finding the tiny shards of glass around my house (and in the bottom of my feet) for years. It sure is cute, though!
3. 12 Black Witch Hats: The idea here is to hang the hats from your trees or ceilings to the delight of the general public or your guests. What’s wrong with me for wanting to do this?
4. 3d Bat Stickers: Bats are nobody’s favorite animal—especially after 2020—but these bat sticker decorations can fully decorate your house in about 3 minutes. Also they’re only 10 dollars.
5. Fake Foam Mini Pumpkins: You simply can’t have too many mini decorative gourds for the season. Don’t skimp. Thank me later.
6. Ghost Banner: I like to think about the lives these ghosts lived before they got strung up on a banner. Thousands of thoughtful, loving and fulfilling days in a life only to end, get stuck in purgatory, hung on a string and carted out for all to see every October. What a waste.
7. Pumpkin Throw Pillow: In all my years with Kelly, I’ve discovered exactly two ways to her heart: seasonal decorations and throw pillows. So this product is a big deal for my marriage and me.
8. Assorted Halloween Mugs: I like the thing where people buy decorative holiday mugs and then keep them in rotation for the whole year so they end up drinking coffee out of a skull in the middle of April.
9. Checker Doormat: Check the attitude at the door and put the whole block on notice. The fall decorating game will never be the same with this delightfully seasonally appropriate doormat. Let ’em know!
10. Pampas Grass Wreath: It’s not my area of expertise, but I think it’s fair to say that this is literally the greatest autumnal wreath to ever exist. Crazy that it’s for sale on Amazon instead of hanging in a museum.
11. Pumpkin-Shaped Candles: Half the price of their designer counterparts, these candles are way too nice to actually light on fire. So you can enjoy them for a lifetime!
12. Giant Wooden Dough Bowl: They might as well have called this “Holy crap, what is that thing?!” because that’s what you’ll hear from friends and family when you get one of these. Fill it with pumpkins, gourds, ghosts, or even cute smaller wooden bowls. I don’t really care what you do with it. Just enjoy yourself. That’s what life is all about.
13. Decorative Broom: Decorative brooms are great because they look all festive up against the wall, but are also easily used to sweep up after snack time. Hiding in plain sight, this one!
14. Halloween Gingham Table Runner: In this house, we incorporate as much gingham as possible into our decorative displays. I suggest you do the same. Though Kelly did just tell me that this one is ugly. Whatever, Wife. I’ve never been able to figure you out.
15. Artificial Sunflowers: I kill plants. Everybody knows that. These plants are unkillable, even for people like me. And in a season that celebrates death, I take great comfort in that.
16. Pinecone Candle: Regular pinecones will burn up pretty well in their own right. This beeswax pinecone candle burns up well too with the added benefit of not burning down your house if you light one in your kitchen.
17. Pumpkin Spice Candle: The pumpkin spice trend lives on in my nostrils as I fire up a pumpkin spice candle in the middle of August and let it burn until New Years Day. This candle is a straight-up banger with hits of vanilla, buttercream, pumpkin spice and an eve-present smoke smell resulting from the fact that it’s on fire.
18. Cute Ghost Plates: For those special I’ve already done the dishes three times today and I simply won’t do them again moments, reach for this cute paper plate and then throw it away because enough is enough.
19. Mixed Artificial Pumpkins: Twenty-four artificial pumpkins for $24. I’m no mathematician but I think that equals the DEAL OF THE CENTURY.
20. Artificial Halloween Wreath: This wreath has it all: sunflowers, pine cones, wheat, and leaves. It’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet of fall bliss, and I’m going back for a third plate to get my moneys worth!
21. Ceramic Pumpkin Cocotte: A cocotte is a small dish in which food can be both cooked and served. And if you didn’t know that, you might not be fancy enough for this cocotte. Cocotte or not, you decide!
23. Three Pumpkin Candles: The best thing about these pumpkin-shaped candles is that if you stick with ’em, they eventually become pumpkin-shaped jars, which are good for decoration all by themselves. Gift that keeps on giving!
24. Birch Bark Flameless Candle: Birchbark is my favorite kind of bark. And that’s saying a lot because I’m a big bark fan. For me it’s all bark and no bite and that’s just how I like it.
25. Ghost Napkins: I don’t personally use napkins because I don’t smear food all over my face, but if you’re a slob, I suggest these cute little ghost napkins to clean yourself up this month.
26. Pumpkin Tureen: A tureen is a covered dish from which soup is served. (I’ve had to Google quite a bit of stuff for this post. You’re welcome.) This tureen is shaped like a pumpkin but you don’t need to serve pumpkin-flavored soup from it. No, no. For example, I plan to serve tomato soup from this Tureen. But that’s just me; you can serve pumpkin soup from this tureen if you want.
27. Grapevine Display Pumpkins: This set of decorative pumpkins dramatically forgoes the traditional orange pumpkin color in favor of a more abstract pumpkin essence. It evokes the very nature of the pumpkin with a bunch of grapevine sticks tied together t0 challenge the very core assumptions of what a pumpkin even is and what a pumpkin can be.
28. Artificial Mums: I’ve killed so many mums this year, I can go as myself for Halloween. Hearty mums my right foot! So far this season, I’ve killed eight pots of mums and, thanks to these artificials, my killing spree is coming to an end.
29. Wooden Pumpkin Trivet: Until I met Kelly, I owned only one pot and one fork. I’d cook food in the pot and eat it with the fork, and I didn’t need a fancy trivet because I never put the pot down. How things have changed!
30. Knit Ghost Pillow: To me, it looks like this ghost is yawning instead of screaming, stretching instead of scaring, and laying down instead of flying around. This ghost is chilling.
Oh, and don’t forget to load up on costumes, candy and giant animated yard ghosts while you’re at it! Halloween only comes once a year so don’t blow it. (Lookin’ at you, Kelly J., as you’re the only person in our family without a costume at this point.)