You Dont Make Friends with Salad

Mitch here!

A lot of you have been asking (😆) about my salad routine (jokes), so here it is! Believe it or not, in my old age, I now actually eat the spring mix in my fridge instead of just waiting a week and throwing it away like Mitch in his 20s did.

Today’s post piggybacks off my recent Intermittent Fasting exposé. In that post, I described in excruciating detail—sorry—how I recently discovered that I wasn’t taking care of myself and how I’m using every lazy technique I can find to remedy that fact. For example, I now only eat at meals, and as you might imagine, I eat salads and stuff. A wise waiter once told me that any salad on the menu is likely healthier than the rest of the crap they serve, and I’ve taken that lesson to heart.

So with exactly zero research beyond that one conversation I had with a waiter roughly a decade ago, I’ve embarked on an everyday lunch salad crusade. Salads are probably healthy: they’re edible, empty the fridge, eventually make you full and probably contain nutrients and stuff I’m not sure I haven’t really looked into it. Also, in my experience, a-salad-a-day diet offers a unique ability to eat literally anything else you want at any other time because I’m making healthy choices and lay off me I’M STARVING.

[Kelly here. Mitch, what’s going on here? When did you write this post? Saturday night after those three glasses of wine? 😜 Continue…]

It takes fervent dedication to eat a salad every day. I should know because I do, in fact, salad daily. And sometimes I even enjoy it. I’ve found that by both making my salads ridiculously large and filling them with a variety of regular foods, it helps to ease the pain. This particular Mitch Salad involves an apple, cheese, two stalks of celery, salami, a green pepper, cucumber, avocado, bacon, chickpeas, leftover chicken and too much dressing. It’s like that Mary Poppins song but instead of a spoonful of sugar it’s a gallon of ranch dressing that makes the salad go down.

I’m willing to admit that my salad habit might be getting out of control as I can’t find an appropriate dish to house the thing when I lay down to eat it. All the bowls we have are too small, the plates are too flat, and when I eat it out of a pint glass I look ridiculous. Am I the only one salading out here? I mean come on.

As the resident Salad King in my parts, I’d like to do you one last salad solid. Season your salad. Salt, pepper, oregano, bacon bits, herbs with an accentuated “h” sound. Put all that stuff right on the salad. We season everything else in our lives like crazy, but not salads… and then we complain about how bland salad is. That’s salad hypocrisy. It just is.

[Kelly: I have no words. I love you, but this may be your last post… 😆 Oh my god. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I’ve been played.]

It’s about time for me to wind down this salad post as I need to go into the kitchen to chop vegetables and eat them because that’s what I do now. Keep an eye out for future posts when I forgo the indulgence of spring mix and eat grass from the park or maybe even straw if I can find an organic, farm-to-table, ethically sourced straw supplier.

Mitch. OUT!