While I’ve tried to space out the depressing content over the last week, I know that Kelly in the City has become a bit of a downer. I think it’s important to maintain a positive outlook, and I realize I’ve kind of been failing at that lately. But at the same time, I think it’s my responsibility to be real on this little blog, and not paint pictures of a life that isn’t mine.
When I look back at the flood-related posts, I do see myself trying to find the positive in the situation. But the truth of the matter is that I haven’t yet. I’m sad and overwhelmed, and I’m having trouble concentrating and finding the motivation to get work and everyday tasks accomplished. All I can think about is our home.
I’m not sure why this is affecting me so much. I’ve experienced far more trying events in my lifetime, and I’ve always come out stronger in the end. And let’s be serious and keep things in perspective: it’s just a house, and we still have the top floor. Mitch and I thankfully have a war chest for emergencies, and we purchased a home that wasn’t above our budget for this exact reason. And I didn’t even love the bottom floor! The white carpeting was impossible to keep clean with a husband and dog, I hadn’t decorated or invested in new furntiure yet, and the bathroom certainly wasn’t my style.
Still, I’m bummed. Really bummed.
Maybe it’s because life has been so good lately. I no longer have to deal with the stress that came along with our housing situation in New York or the depression that (partially) came from my teaching job in the Bronx. We’re beyond happy in Chicago, and we’ve been loving this new chapter of our lives. Our families are doing well, our friends are awesome, and we’ve LOVED having a home and making it our own. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s been really, really good. And the flood has knocked me to my knees, completely unexpectedly.
I liken it to how it feels to get a speeding ticket. (Except, like, hundreds of them in the span of 10 days, haha.) You’re feeling great, jamming out to a commercial-free country music station, thinking about whatever it is you’re doing that night or that weekend. And then, BAM. Ticket. It’s a lot of money, but it’s not the end of the world. And yet you’re irrationally upset, and it affects you for a super long time. You turn off the country music, shed a few tears, and then cancel your plans and opt to eat cookie dough on the couch in your pajamas.
And yet I do think part of it is the expense. I know it’s taboo to talk about money publicly, but the sheer number of dollars it’s going to take the clean up the mess, actually fix the complicated problem that caused it, and rebuild the bottom floor is absolutely terrifying. We made so many sacrificies to build up our emergency fund, and while I know that this is its exact reason for existing, I desperately don’t want to wave goodbye to such a big chunk of it.
I’ve been reading a lot about why homeownership woes affect people so significantly. Turns out that it’s probably not just the money or the temporary loss of use of the bottom floor that’s causing my distress; It’s the emotional roller coaster I’m riding. One minute, I think we’ve devised a game plan that will work, but the next, we receive news that part of that game plan is inherently flawed and we have to go back to the drawing board. It’s the guilt that comes along with feeling so bummed when there are others in the world dealing with far more terrible situations. It’s the disruption of routines, the time drain, the doubt and worry, the change in focus, and the general feeling of helplessness. I like fixing problems on my own, and quickly, and this is one problem I can’t fix without assistance. It’s going to take a long time.
So today, I’m not going to end my post on a positive note. It’s not that I don’t know that this too shall pass; it’s just that right now, I’m feeling pretty crappy.
And that’s okay.
Hang in there, Kelly! Don’t worry about always trying to stay positive on here–you’re human, and we love your blog because we love what you have to say! Everyone appreciates your honesty and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be a new homeowner dealing with a crappy situation like this. Good luck…everything will come together soon!! xoxo
You know what Kelly – I have been having a “pretty crappy” week myself. And I cannot seem to get out of the hole. I deal with anxiety and depression – and boy is it eating away at me this week. I have such sympathy for your home issue. I can’t even imagine the frustration and helplessness. It is a very sucky, sad situation – and you are absolutely allowed to feel that. I pray that everything will work out – and maybe even cheaper than expected (one can hope). Thanks for being so real – its refreshing. I’m thinking about you. =)
It’s a terrible situation–don’t feel badly at ALL about being honest about it!
It IS okay to feel bummed! And as strange as it sounds, I think it’s a good thing that you’re willing to share these feelings on the blog.
Your house looks beautiful! I think a bright white would look fabulous in that bathroom! It’s interesting because the cabinetry is so dark. You’ll find the write shade!
Alyssa | Glitter and Grey
I’ve been having an off week too and feeling down about some things – and then I feel guilty because my life is really pretty wonderful – but it’s all relative and it’s human to not be happy all the time. Sometimes you just need to let yourself feel down instead of trying to suppress it. I think it helps it last not as long. Hope things turn around soon!
I’m so sorry all this is happening, what a huge weight on your shoulders. If it helps, when I read this post I was so impressed with the notion of you both having a savings plan that actually helped mediate this disaster- I am a homeowner but always worry I don’t have that backup. Do you think at some point much later, when the house issues have been resolved, you might be willing to do a young couple/first time homeowners budget post? Thank you, and I am sending you tons of good vibes!!!
Hi Kelly, don’t ever feel badly for expressing your opinions and feelings. I think that the most real moments in life are those where we are tested emotionally either in a good or a bad way. You both will get through it, though I’m sure that doesn’t help much in the thick of it. You are beautiful, funny, and insanely talented and your blog always brightens my day when I feel down. I understand so well how one moment you can be happy and in a split second your world can fall apart. Think how much more you will love your home once it is all over and you get to customize it to your liking! Maybe it is a (rather unfortunate) blessing in disguise :) keep your head up girl!
Maggie- http://www.thatgirlmags.com
Thank you for keeping your blog so real Kelly. Hang in there!
It’ll get better. Just gotta roll with it and honestly it takes more than a few months to make a house into a home. And seriously you didn’t like your bathroom? I’d change mine for yours in a heartbeat!
Hang in there! Home ownership can be so much fun and stressful at the same time! Once growing up a truck crashed right through my house! My parents were stressed, I was stressed it sucked but it passed everything was eventually fixed and this shall pass too. Just look at the light at the end of the tunnel. :)
my husband just got outsted from a job here in southern california.
He’s 55, we have 3 college age kids still at home and he’s the main bread winner.
We’ve been in our home for 21 years, he was making $110k as sole bread winner.
I have been working part time and love my job.
But we survived BOFA before this.
Pray Pray Pray because it works.
Get on your knees. Start going to church, Maybe He Is calling you.
Count your blessings one by one….
Saying a prayer for you right now.
God can make a way Kelly.
It’s total acceptable to feel your feelings! I hope things get better!
Sarah Jessica
The Laws of Beauty
Aw, that’s terrible! I am so sorry to hear! Of course you are upset!
Wishes & Reality