Mitch Here!

Guys, Valentine’s Day is in two weeks. I’m full of vim and vigor, so I very vociferously vetted these vexing Valentine’s gifts just in time for your man’s holiday.

Do it now and get it over with.

1: Cathy’s Concepts Monogram Stainless Steel Keg Mug / 2: Herschel Supply Co. ‘Pop Quiz’ Backpack / 3: Ray-Ban ‘Classic Clubmaster’ 51mm Sunglasses / 4: Barbour ‘Tinford’ Regular Fit Quilted Jacket / 5: Burberry Check Cashmere Scarf / 6 : Shinola ‘The Runwell’ Leather Strap Watch / 7: Burberry Horseferry Check Billfold Wallet / 8: Ricoh Theta / 9: Strawberry Street ‘Moscow Mule’ Copper Mug  / 10: Cathy’s Concepts Personalized Craft Home Brew Can Glasses / 11: Le Creuset Enamel Cast Iron Skillet / 12: Nordstrom Men’s Shop Thermal Knit Robe / 13: Burberry ‘Charles’ Belt / 14: Kiehl’s Original Musk Eau de Toilette Spray / 15: Shinola Leather Card Case / 16: S’well ‘London Chimney’ Insulated Stainless Steel Water Bottle / 17: The Tie Bar Large Style Box / 18: Brixton ‘Hooligan’ Driving Cap / 19: Sperry ‘Decoy’ Waterproof Boot (Men) / 20: W&P DESIGN Brew: Better Coffee at Home Cookbook

1: Cathy’s Concepts Monogram Stainless Steel Keg Mug

Allow him to relive his college days by tastefully sipping IPAs out of a Keg Mug instead of brazenly chugging Natty Light while doing a handstand perched atop a keg. Not that I ever did that sort of thing.

2: Herschel Supply Co. ‘Pop Quiz’ Backpack

I’m still a backpack guy. If I had my own blog, it would be called “Tupperware Doesn’t Fit in a Brief Case.” This is the backpack I wear every day. I think it’s classy enough to pass as an adult backpack. Maybe I’m wrong?

3: Ray-Ban ‘Classic Clubmaster’ 51mm Sunglasses

Do you ever think about how the things we wear today will most likely look absolutely ridiculous in 20 years? These sunglasses simultaneously look horribly out of date and right on the money in style. Win.

4: Barbour ‘Tinford’ Regular Fit Quilted Jacket

“Tinford” is a hilarious word for a coat. If I had this coat I would refer to it as “my Tinford,” and Kelly would roll her eyes at me. I want this coat a lot more BECAUSE it’s called the Tinford, though. Doesn’t your guy deserve a Tinford? I mean, TINFORD!

5: Burberry Check Cashmere Scarf

Any regular of this blog has likely noticed Kelly’s newfound obsession with Burberry. She dreams of being reborn as a British girl and is in the early stages of convincing me to move to London. I’ve even seen her drinking tea lately and it’s weird. I just want to keep my neck warm.

6 : Shinola ‘The Runwell’ Leather Strap Watch

This Shinola is perfect for me. Navy face, light leather strap. Ugh. Maybe your guy will let me borrow his?

7: Burberry Horseferry Check Billfold Wallet

I should preface this one with the fact that I lose my wallet every few months, so I could never own this thing. But to have a wallet that cost $300 more than the wallet will ever hold is the height of conspicuous consumption. Get on that train! Also, “Horseferry.”

8: Ricoh Theta

  1. Buy this thing.
  2. Give it to your guy.
  3. Take a picture with it.
  4. 360-degree mind-blowing immersive photography like you have never seen omfg.

9: Strawberry Street ‘Moscow Mule’ Copper Mug

The great thing about these mugs is that they’ll still look great on the shelf after you realize that you aren’t the kind of couple that makes Moscow Mules regularly. Or ever.

10: Cathy’s Concepts Personalized Craft Home Brew Can Glasses

Can glasses are a funny concept. Plus they’re monogrammed so your guy won’t forget his name when he drinks too much.

11: Le Creuset Enamel Cast Iron Skillet

Something has happened to me. I am obsessed with enameled cast iron pots, pans and skillets, much like Kelly is obsessed with Burberry. I am NEVER going to be the guy who hand-washes pots and pans for half an hour after cooking. This skillet is DISHWASHER SAFE! Seriously, this thing could save your marriage.

12: Nordstrom Men’s Shop Thermal Knit Robe

What’s the purpose of a bathrobe? Is it used instead of a towel? If so, do you dry your hair with it? Isn’t it cold wearing a wet robe around all morning? Do you use it instead of clothes? That seems… inappropriate? Do you put it on over your clothes? If so, why is it called a bathrobe? I want this robe to FIND SOME ANSWERS!

13: Burberry ‘Charles’ Belt

I do want this belt, but it would probably look ridiculous holding up my ripped pair of Old Navy jeans. I’m sure your man could put it to better use.

14: Kiehl’s Original Musk Eau de Toilette Spray

Toilet spray is not good Valentine’s Day gift. But Eau de Toilette spray is. Don’t screw this one up.

15: Shinola Leather Card Case

Carrying cash is annoying. I’ve had the same $20 in my pocket since Christmas. Officially abandon the cash thing. “I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Plastics.” Name that movie.

16: S’well ‘London Chimney’ Insulated Stainless Steel Water Bottle

Word on the street is that our generation is suffering from near-fatal levels of dehydration. A can of La Croix doesn’t cut it, people! This indestructible water bottle will make your guy live 25 years longer. Guaranteed.

17: The Tie Bar Large Style Box

As I sprint towards middle age and ultimately death, I realize that life is too short to wear ugly ties. Seize the day and buy these ties to give his life meaning, impress strangers and make it all worthwhile.

18: Brixton ‘Hooligan’ Driving Cap

I long for the days when it was necessary to wear a specialized hat for various activities. Doing your taxes: green visor. Day at the park: straw hat. Going driving: driving cap.

19: Sperry ‘Decoy’ Waterproof Boot

“Decoy” is a confusing name for shoes, but I need a pair of boots that’ll help me survive these last few months of muck.

20: W&P DESIGN Brew: Better Coffee at Home Cookbook

You should see the sludge coffee we drink at home. The cheapest Aldi grounds dumped into a (clean!) 10-year-old Mr. Coffee machine. I feel like we’re ready to make the leap, and maybe your guy is, too.

21: Burberry ‘Trafalgar’ Umbrella / 22: Amazon Echo Dot / 23: Amazon Kindle Fire / 24: Canada Goose Arctic Down Mittens / 25: Herschel Supply Co ‘Novel’ Duffel Bag / 26: The North Face ‘Venture’ Packable Waterproof Jacket / 27: 1901 Caden Sneaker / 28: Frye ‘Logan’ Messenger Bag / 29: Leica Sofort Compact Instant Camera / 30: Herschel Supply Co ‘Chapter’ Travel Kit / 31: Barbour Leather Gloves / 32: Nordstrom at Home 4-Piece Bar Set / 33: Nordstrom at Home ‘Cuddle Up’ Faux Fur Heart Accent Pillow / 34: Patagonia ‘Better Sweater’ Quarter Zip Pullover / 35: Luckies of London Smartphone Projector / 36: Ray-Ban’ New Wayfarer’ 55mm Sunglasses / 37: Vineyard Vines Whale Performance Baseball Cap / 38: Burberry London Woven Silk Tie / 39: Cathy’s Concepts Monogram 5-in-1 Grill Tool / 40: Freezer Meter

21: Burberry “Trafalgar” Umbrella

I don’t use umbrellas because they’re annoying and getting wet isn’t that big of a deal. I don’t want to carry one around all day, and I look like an idiot when I do. In New York, guys like me dodge umbrellas like a pin ball dodges those wedgie paddle things. But with a fashionable umbrella, I might be convinced to spend my day dry.

22: Amazon Echo Dot

“Alexa! Buy this guy a Valentine’s Day gift that is less than $50 and doesn’t suck.”

23: Amazon Kindle Fire

Tablets apparently cost $50 now. I bought three of these things for my nieces and nephews. THEY WERE BLOWN AWAY. Your guy will be, too. This isn’t the Kindle you bought five years ago when you hoped the purchase would turn you into some kind of green librarian bookworm. This thing has Netflix on it.

24: Canada Goose Arctic Down Mittens

Mittens > Gloves, so if he is at that point in the winter when it is time to put form over fashion, get him these.

25: Herschel Supply Co ‘Novel’ Duffel Bag

He can use this duffel bag for the gym if he’s that kind of guy. Or maybe he’s like me and hasn’t seen the inside of a gym in five years. Then he can just use it to carry his clothes so they’re not spilling out all over the car on a long weekend.

26: The North Face ‘Venture’ Packable Waterproof Jacket

The furthest I hike in the snow is to Walgreens, but it’s snowed or rained in Chicago nearly every day for the past two weeks, so something like this would be helpful for everyday life. Maybe it’s just us Chicagoans, but for the love of god, stop raining.

27: 1901 Caden Sneaker

I battle with my work “dress code,” because I really like jeans and sneakers. Life Pro Tip: Tan-colored jeans pass as khakis. I feel like fancy leather sneakers could be acceptable, too. Thoughts?

28: Frye ‘Logan’ Messenger Bag

My top professional goal in life is to ride my bike to work. This is one of the reasons we moved to Chicago. This bag would look fantastic on a guy riding his bike to work. Unfortunately, my bike is broken, I can’t get myself out of bed in time to do something like this, and it’s consistently 10 degrees outside.

29: Leica Sofort Compact Instant Camera

I sometimes forget that most couples don’t have a professional blogger following them around, beautifully photographing special moments. Take your photos to the next level with this excellent Leica point. No blogging required.

30: Herschel Supply Co ‘Chapter’ Travel Kit

Wouldn’t it be a good idea to just fill this thing with his toiletries and leave it in his suitcase for good? So you never have to deal with his freakout that he’s forgotten everything? Do people do that?

31: Barbour Leather Gloves

The subway (El) platform is a competitive place. What did everyone pick out to wear for the day? Who misread the weather report and is struggling with this whole “Chicago winter” thing? Who thought it was going to rain and then it didn’t and therefore looks hilarious in their giant wellington boots? These leather gloves will make him look dapper and warm simultaneously. What a nice gift. :)

32: Nordstrom at Home 4-Piece Bar Set

This gift is pure desperation. You don’t need special spoons to mix boozy drinks. People like pulp and certainly wouldn’t complain if it ended up in their drink. If your guy wanted this kind of thing, he probably already has it.

33: Nordstrom at Home ‘Cuddle Up’ Faux Fur Heart Accent Pillow

This is a joke item. I want to take this opportunity to plead with the women of the world. PLEASE STOP BUYING SO MANY PILLOWS. When I sat down to write this post I had to move six (SIX!) pillows off my couch to make room. Kelly bought nine (NINE!) pillows last week. We have some pillows that really aren’t pillows at all; they have pictures of beach scenes on them. I am drowning in pillows. Kelly, if you’re reading this, all I want for Valentine’s Day is for you to throw away all the pillows we own. As far as I’m concerned, we need two pillows, total.

That is all.

34: Patagonia ‘Better Sweater’ Quarter Zip Pullover

$100 seems like a lot of money for a pullover. But this Patagonia is the only thing I can wear every day that people don’t call me out on.

35: Luckies of London Smartphone Projector 2.0

Doesn’t this seem like a fun thing? I mean, you probably aren’t going to gather around the ol’ smartphone projector and bingewatch “This is Us” on Valentines Day, but still!

36: Ray-Ban’ New Wayfarer’ 55mm Sunglasses

I have a giant head. Wayfarers strain under the stretch when I adorn them. But the internet doesn’t sell the oversized New York City bootleg St. Marks and 2nd Avenue sunglasses that I wear and stock up on every time we’re back in NYC.

37: Vineyard Vines Whale Performance Baseball Cap

My Cubs hat took a beating this year. Winning the World Series will do that to a hat. I’m dreaming of the beach this time of year, and I’d like to advertise that fact on the top of my dome.

38: Burberry London Woven Silk Tie

Nope. This is laughable.

39: Cathy’s Concepts Monogram 5-in-1 Grill Tool

TopHat Technologies (a company I run on the side with my buddy) should have thought of this Swiss Army knife-style grill tool. When I grill, I misplace every tool I need. In the past, I’ve resorted to using a stick to flip a burger. Time to class it up!

40: Freezer Meter

Your freezer is a ticking time bomb and it is time to do something about it. (Full Disclosure: This is one of my products and I’m promoting it for personal gain. Even Fuller Disclosure: It would make a terrible Valentine’s Day Gift. Fullest Disclosure: You should probably buy one anyway.)

Mitch. Out.