My favorite photo from winter break!
Hi! I’ve missed you. Do you mind if I ramble on for a bit on my first day back in this space?
2022.
How’s it going for you so far? I’ve personally had a bit of rocky start, and have been vacillating between feelings of renewed clarity and feelings of defeat.
2020/2021: The bad
Looking forward to the routines and slowness of January, I did all the clichéd things last week: I put away the Christmas decor, decluttered and cleaned out closets and drawers, donated unused things, put the playroom back together, did the built-up laundry, and gave the house a solid scrub-down. More importantly, I enjoyed the last few days of my kids’ winter break with them. I can’t tell you how many movies we watched, crafts we completed, games we played, and Lego sets we built. It was fun. It was heartwarming. It was wonderful—something I will always do after the holidays. And part of me really does feel refreshed and inspired and lucky right now… but another part of me feels a little panicked about getting our family through the next few months. (As I write this, Emma is home from school and will be home tomorrow because CPS classes are totally cancelled, making national news.) There’s some déjà vu, for sure. Complicated issues aside, how do we keep everyone’s spirits up? How will my children be affected? (My oldest because we saw her light flicker in 2020/2021, and my youngest because we saw her development take a significant hit.) Can we handle another Covid winter in Chicago? IT’S ALSO 10 DEGREES AND SNOWING! BAH!
(We’re not going anywhere. Just feeling discouraged. And cold.)
I don’t know. It’s a lot.
I’m someone who has an unfortunate history with depression and anxiety. And while I’ve understandably always needed to stay on top of my mental health, these days it feels like I’m constantly adjusting my sails to avoid the next storm… and I trick myself into thinking that I see land again and again. A freakin’ mirage every time, I tell you. Every time! It’s exhausting, and I kind of live my life in fear that at any point, my mental health could crumble. But you don’t have to have a relationship with depression or anxiety in order to relate to that. There’s just so much uncertainty right now… and that uncertainty has been hanging around for two years. It’ll do a number on anyone.
2020/2021: The good
Despite all the uncertainty, one thing I’ll say for 2020 and 2021 is that those years forced me to let go of the unnecessary. In the beginning, I put a lot of effort into creating and setting arbitrary challenges and goals. Like many other Americans, I picked up the guitar again, I set out to create the perfect homeschool environment, I started to write the great American novel, I planned at-home date nights, I dreamed up zillions of engaging kids’ activities, I vowed to serve amazing family meals every night, I committed to keeping a tidy home for once in my life, and I bought books on my Kindle app. I added more, more, more to my already chipped and cracking plate, and assumed it would whack that uncertainty into another dimension and make me feel happy and fulfilled. Of course, it didn’t. It just made me feel overwhelmed and like a failure because I couldn’t possibly do all those things. I shudder just thinking about it now because A) how trite! …B) how obvious! …and C) I quickly learned that living through a pandemic with two children under the age of five would really just become a game of survival.
One day, though, I woke up and realized I was done feeling overwhelmed and like a failure all the time. I knew that even pre-pandemic, I wasn’t living the life I wanted. And I’m not sure I thought it through or truly meant to do this, but I began to swing the other way, actually embracing less. Less everything. I let most of the balls drop, and “less” seeped into every aspect of my life, identifying issues I didn’t even know were there.
It was admittedly tough at first.
There was some crushing sadness and regret. Oh, if only I could go back to that time and do it differently! There were also some nerves. Will my family, friends and readers understand? And guilt. Am I being selfish? Finally, there was a bit of an identity crisis. Who am I? What actually makes me happy and fulfilled? Did I ever even like what I think I used to like?!
But then—lo!—there was some clarity for the hamster who’d finally stepped off the wheel.
2022: My life, today
Fast forward to 2022 (#crazy), and my life has changed a lot. I suppose going from more, more, more to less, less, less will do that. For me, embracing the “less” has been a multifaceted endeavor. Maybe I should write a longer-form post on all this, but here’s what initially comes to mind when I think about why life is now different—and while not perfect, better:
Fewer physical things
- Less clutter. I’ve long been a fan of Marie Kondo, and we did a full KonMari clean-out of our first home in Chicago. But the clutter had built up again. During the pandemic, we buckled down once more… and from toys and kitchenware to linens and furnishings/home decor, we actively worked to get the superfluous out, and now stay on top of it. (Recommendations on where to donate in Chicago in this post.) We also now put a lot of thought into what we bring into our home.
- Less clothing. Each person has transitioned from a large, preppy wardrobe to a much smaller wardrobe consisting of mostly basics that he or she actually wears on a daily basis. The dream is to one day move to true capsule wardrobes. Noodle wins, as she’s the proud owner of only two articles of clothing. (And yes, you’d think it would be harder to run the blog with less, but it’s actually easier!)
- Less paper. I no longer keep actual paper around (because Marie Kondo told me not to), and I’m working to organize my digital life so I can find things quickly and easily. I digitized my calendar, my address book, my business records, and my kids’ artwork—and shredded everything else. And I’m slowly getting my computer desktop and filing system in order. Oh! I said goodbye to physical to-do lists, too. (And digital ones, for that matter.) Excuse my French, but they made me feel like *&#^$. Everyone is different. I have friends who couldn’t live without their to-do lists. Perhaps my own lists were just flawed. Either way, I am no longer daunted by them… because they don’t exist anymore. I simply use the freed-up mental space in my mind to tell me what I want and need to accomplish.
Less internal “noise”
(Meaning both what I have on my shoulders and mind. I should note here that I’m not sure I personally could have tackled these issues with any success had I not addressed the physical and gained a little clarity first!)
- Fewer goals and no resolutions. I used to bog myself down with the unrealistic. It wasn’t helpful. I can now count my goals on one hand, and they’re achievable. Resolutions had never worked for me, so poof! They were gone.
- No dramatic friendships or relationships. Meh. I don’t have the mental energy for drama right now. I just don’t. Have you heard of “The Gray Rock Method”? Google it and try it. It works! (BUT NOW MY SECRET IS OUT.)
- Less overanalyzing. I’m cognizant of the fact that I do it, and I actively push negative thoughts from my mind. Meditation would likely be great for me.
- Less “doom scrolling” and connectivity. I used to be a big doom-scroller! I wanted to stay informed. But woo-ee. There’s a fine line between staying informed and succumbing to the darkness in this day and age. I now read the news in the morning and then stay on top of certain issues. (I still think The Skimm or the Times’ daily newsletters are great for anyone who needs assistance with this, too!) As for connectivity, I now disconnect on a regular basis. I can hustle when need be, but I normally blog and/or log on to social media during my limited working hours, do what I can, and then log off. Anything else I only do when I feel inspired and want to. (Which admittedly hasn’t been often lately! More on that—and the future of this site—in the next section.) I clock in and clock out like I used to do with traditional jobs of my past, while acknowledging that there will be days—especially during the pandemic—when I should be disconnected because I have children and I’m not the Energizer Bunny. I also place more importance than ever on free time, exercise, sunlight, breaks and true vacations. (Though don’t treat them as goals, challenges or resolutions.) I watch a movie or show with Mitch nearly every night, we map out times to get away as a family, and our weekends are work-free.
- Fewer set plans and obligations, and less apologizing. As a family, we now favor plans made in the present over plans made in advance. We still do lots of fun things and have a blast, but the texts we love most are those we send and receive from friends like, “Hey! Anything going on later? Playdate at our house? Trip to the park? Dinner?” In terms of obligations, this means not taking on anything I know I can’t handle at the moment. And I try so hard not to feel guilty about it or apologize. It’s not a character flaw! What’s nice is that when I’m honest with myself and others about it—and say things like “I’d love to but I’m overextended right now” or “This sounds amazing but I’m focusing on my family and children at the moment,” I’m met with understanding 99 percent of the time. People are good.
2022: The blog
I would assume that the most obvious change for readers, though, is that I now have far less of a presence here on my blog as well as on my Instagram and Facebook accounts. I loved blogging for so many different reasons for a long time, but in an effort to be totally transparent, I stopped loving it sometime over the last couple of years. It became too challenging; a burden of sorts.
Why blogging had become burdensome
- First, I was spread too thin. In order to keep the site up during the pandemic, I was clocking super late hours that drained me. It felt impossible, and I was starting to relate to Sisyphus.
- Second, I struggled with living a public life during a global pandemic. I was constantly questioning my own morality, trying desperately to do the right thing, unable to please everyone. Pleasing everyone is impossible no matter what my content is about, and I know that should never be my intention. But cruel lurkers, cloaked in the anonymity of the internet, were vicious in blog comments and e-mails. On one hand, I kind of understood; life was scary, and so many emotions—fear, sadness, confusion, anger—came along with that. But on the other hand, being berated every day took its toll, and there were several incidents that made me legitimately scared. Making the conscious decision to subject myself to that didn’t seem like the wisest decision.
- Third, I felt an enormous sense of guilt re: my inability to keep up with blog readers as well as followers and friends on social media. The only way I was ever able to respond to all the wonderfully kind people I was connected with or support my incredibly talented blogger friends was by not being present as a parent. So that sucked.
- Fourth, and most importantly, I wanted to be a good mom more than I wanted to be a good blogger. (A good thing!) Emma and Lucy wouldn’t be little forever. The years are short and precious.
The future of the blog
You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say. But up until 2020, I would insist I was going to stop pouring yet continue to pour, pour, pour. So I (finally) purposefully dropped the blog ball, choosing to sleep, protect myself, and let go. And guess what? There’s been so much improvement… on all fronts. I’m a better and happier mother, wife, friend, blogger and person when I take care of myself, and “my people” are happier, too. (And so, so understanding.) Everyone deserves to take care of themselves.
Sure, I fantasized about and gave considerable thought to shutting it all down, doing something else professionally, and living a totally private life. I think fantasies like that are just part of being human. Most of us like to occasionally step into totally different versions of life, whether through books, television, movies, social media or our own imaginations. But stepping away from my blog and social channels for a significant amount of time (luckily during my slow time of the year) has allowed me to really consider whether I’d miss blogging, and the answer is yes.
I still haven’t figured out what, exactly, this space is going to look like. I don’t have a solid plan yet. I’m currently just throwing out ideas left and right and weighing my options. It’s a little intimidating—wanting and needing to change something that I’ve done one way for so long—but it’s also new and exciting!
The positive effects of “less” + what’s next
I know I’m forgetting a lot.^ And I need to shout it from the rooftops: Life isn’t perfect! As exemplified in the first few paragraphs of this post, I feel the weight right now, and I don’t love not having a ton of direction. I don’t want to suggest that I’m even close to rockin’ 2022 thus far, either. It took me days to collect my thoughts for this post and then write ’em down, after all… and like you, I just want this era to freakin’ END.
But life is simpler now because I’m no longer always depleted or trying to make room for excess. “Less” has equaled less procrastination, less avoidance, less anxiety, less mess, less wasted time. And it’s made way for clarity, mental/physical space and energy, happiness, inspiration and free time—free time I get to spend with my husband, kids, family and friends. Because there is less, there’s less to clean up. Less to tidy. Less laundry. (Except during the holidays.) Less to worry about. I have fewer choices and decisions to make every day—avoiding what is commonly referred to as “decision fatigue.” Heck, getting dressed in the morning is almost fun because my closet isn’t overflowing! I feel calmer and lighter. Everyone in our family is happier.
Less everything else, more joy.
Thank you for being here while I navigate a new chapter. So many of you have been here through thick and thin—when times were great and when times weren’t so great. Others are new and yet have shown empathy and warmth. The support means the world, and please know that I’m trying with all my might right now not to apologize for my little disappearance act. 😆 I’m alive and well!
I hope that you survived the 2021 holiday season and perhaps even enjoyed it, and that you’re holding up okay and focusing on personal happiness. I’m also pumped about our future together, despite how creepy that sounds. 😉 (Love how I held out until the last paragraph of this post with emoji usage, and now I’m back to my old ways.) Here’s to a new year, despite how meaningless that feels right now, haha… and being back in a different, healthier capacity!
Over and out, for now. ♥️
Love your blog and love your IG but totally respect that you may need/want a different life. I hope you will keep us updated on your life from time-to-time (if you do decide to totally step away) because I love seeing your family through grow. Cheers to 2022!
I’ve loved reading your blog for YEARS, but as a new mom myself I completely understand how that changes everything. My whole world is now about making sure my daughter is loved, happy, and cared for- everything else is secondary (or rightly in last place). Hope to continue to see you pop in, but respect all the ch ages going on in your life! Thanks for your transparency always!
I LOVE YOUR HONESTY!!!! Hang in there kiddo….as I used to tell our 4 sons years ago….”you can do it Duffy moon”. God Bless.
I will miss your blog! I read everyone that appears in my inbox. I have a daughter that lives in Lincoln Park now, she’s 24 yo and really loves the area. I get to learn about Chicago and Lincoln Park from you and pass your suggestions, etc. on to her. I’ve enjoyed watching your family grow (I have two daughters as well). Please let us know how you’re all doing from time to time. Your girls are at a busy age and it’s important to be present! Go play in the snow now :)
Thank you for writing all of this out and giving us the grey rock tip! Hehe, sometimes I’ve done that but never known it was a legitimate strategy. Cheers to a year of mental health and I’ll look forward to whatever form this blog may take!
Love your blog and your way with words..simply put but oh so brilliantly spoken!!!!! Even though we can’t hear your spoken words…we hear ya!!!!! Wishing you and your lovely family joy and happiness in the New Year and every year to come.
As a mom to 3 little ones, I can totally relate and respect everything you have gone through the last few years, as well as the decisions you have made for you and your family. I had twins a month before the world shut down in 2020. We lived in Manhattan at the time and I had spent 12 years working in a job that I loved. But like you, the pandemic changed my life and priorities. We moved Upstate…I quit my job to stay home with the kiddos…these are things I NEVER thought I would do. But it has been such a surprising relief! Less really is more these days. Thanks for your honesty and I hope you know you’re not alone! Can’t wait to see what comes next.
I’ve been a long-time reader (and, admittedly, a lurker – I also live in Lincoln Park and have seen you out but it never felt right to come say hi!). I love your blog and your social medial accounts, and I have noticed that you’ve scaled back over the past couple years, but my reaction has always been “Good for her! She’s enjoying her life!” I have an almost 3-year-old daughter, so I totally get it. Your internet friends will be here, no matter which route you take.
Also, can you please share your secret for digitizing your kids’ artwork?? I know you did a post a couple years ago about taking photos of it – is that all you do?
Good for you Kelly!
Would love you to share how you paired down, learned to simplify, etc.
Wishing you and your family all the best in 2022!
THIS POST! <3
I am still struggling to find the "balance" between 2019 me and 2022 me (and 2021 me as a wedding planner felt a lot like 2019 me… who in 2020 discovered I hated…) so all of this was helpful to read. You sound like you're in a much better place. Also if you ever are looking for a post idea… any "digital filing system" advice sounds GREAT!
Reading the New Testament of Jesus’ love and sacrifice gives me great comfort in this unstable time. “Turn your eyes to Jesus and look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.” Prayers for you and your beautiful family!❤
Love this post and so much of it resonates with me! I too have been seeking Less. And will be focusing on being Intentional and doing Less in 2022.
This is so perfect!! Take care of you and your family! I also love reading your blog but I am a random person who lives hours away.
Your husband and children need you so much more. I hope you find happiness in what our decide to do.
I used to make and sell decorated cookies and had to stop- too much time away from my family. I am much happier now.
I love your blog and I hope you are able to continue it even if it’s one or two days a week. I love hearing about your children and seeing pictures of them. I can relate to your life because I feel you are a more normal, ordinary person which is meant in the most positive way. I read several blogs and I enjoy reading them but their lives are unrealistic for me. You always describe a more realistic life. I feel like we could be neighbors and also be best of friends. Thank you for sharing your slice of life!
P.S. I also love your house! I love all of your choices and I could move in without changing again.
I also try to do 30 days of plaid in December.
I love this realization of less is more. As a new mom in Chicago up all hours of the night to make everything perfect at work, home, and life, I personally relate to this and love the tips and rationale!
Hi Kelly, long time reader from London (England!) – just to say that your post really resonates ☺️ Wishing you and family all the best for a joyful and lighter 2022.
Thank you for sharing. I can appreciate wanting to spend more time with your family and focusing on your mental well-being. It’s not easy, that’s for sure! I, too, am trying to go with a “less is more” way about life. Fingers crossed we’re successful!
I support whatever you decide about this beautiful blog I love reading!! I agree this the time to enjoy being a mom to your beautiful daughters and continue being a wonderful wife to Mitch! I hope you will keep us updated from time to time (as reader Lee wrote!)
Happy New Year!!
Enjoy your family time! And if you feel like sharing your capsule wardrobes – I would love to see what you have pulled together!
Kelly, what a powerful and touching message. You have bared your truth and it will resonate with so many people. A real reminder that you are so much more than a blog and pictures that show up in people’s email every Tuesday morning. I am 63 and live in California! My Chicago based daughter “ introduced “ me to your blog. I see my younger self in you. I love your style and good taste. Your family is precious. Dear girl, your followers support you. Best to you always.
I fully understand what you have gone through, albeit in a different way. I am much older. My kids are grown with their own families now, so it is just me and my husband, although we are all close. My husband was diagnosed with cancer going on a year and a half. Needless to say, during this pandemic the stress was incredible. I have depression and anxiety. The fact that we had to isolate ourselves due to his health was not easy and watching him go through all that he did is something I do not wish on anyone. It was incredibly hard when I was not allowed to be with him much of the time because of COVID. I also had to learn to be strong and positive for him and myself, it was a long hard road but we managed it. I learned to let go of things that were not so important, toxic relationships and let go of my “I have to this now tendencies” without panicking. Everything we have gone through has made us more aware of what is really important, what our priorities should be and that life is really too short, that your life can change in an instant to waste it worrying about things that are not really that important. I have also purged and cleaned my home, let go of things we hold on to for no reason and it’s a great feeling! We have more space and everything feels so bright and light. Whatever you decide to do with this blog remember to do whatever makes you happiest.