Original post here // Outfit details: Vineyard Vines Tunic c/o (VV is also carried at Nordstrom!) / Paige Jeans (Crop version here; maternity version here. Zappos also carries a great selection!) / Julie Brown Designs Clutch c/o / Jack Rogers Wedges c/o — On sale! / J.Crew Bracelet /Similar Sunglasses
Well, my due date is on Thursday. Oh my goodness. Which is why I thought I should probably get this post up as quickly as possible. ;) If you read my last two pregnancy recaps–the one on the first trimester and the one on the second trimester–a lot has changed.
For me, the third trimester has been emotional. Yes, I can go from being super happy to ridiculously worried and upset at the drop of a hat… but it’s more than that.
There’s just so much going on and so much about to change and so much that’s unknown. It’s a little (little) bit like graduating from college. You have a full course load and need to focus on that, but at the same time, you have a zillion senior activities and graduation-related events you need (and want!) to attend, too. And then there’s your relationship and your friends (how will all that change?), and the fact that you don’t have a job lined up yet. (Or maybe you do, and you feel vastly unprepared for it.) You’re excited to be done with college and excited about the next phase, but you’re pretty terrified as well. What if you can’t hack it?!
PANIC.
Of course, having a baby is a little different. ;) Still, it’s moving from one life phase to the next, and that can be overwhelming. So today, I’m going to dive into the crazy emotions I’ve been experiencing, and save the physical symptoms for another day. Here we go:
Original post here // Outfit details: Vineyard Vines Maxi c/o (Other VV maxis here; you can also shop Vineyard Vines at Nordstrom) / Jack Rogers Sandals (Also love these and these!) / Vera Bradley Backpackc/o (Also available at Zappos) / Moon and Lola Pearl Earrings c/o / Similar Sunglasses /Monica Vinader Bracelet c/o
The Emotions
Excitement
I really can’t explain just how excited I am. I am about to have a baby! It’s so surreal that I’m almost in a state of disbelief. I can’t wait to hold the baby in my arms for the first time, see Mitch with him or her, and watch our families meet their newest member. I’m excited to start a family, be a mom, and love our little one with everything I have. How did I get so lucky?
Annoyance
I do NOT want to be pregnant anymore! Seriously, why has this gone on for as long as it has?! The heat and humidity has been a killer, making it really difficult to walk around the city–my favorite thing to do with Mitch. And then there are all the other physical symptoms, which I’ll get to in my next post. I’ll admit that this is an exaggeration, but everything hurts and sleeping is next to impossible. I can’t even remember what it’s like to not be pregnant!
Love
I’m bursting with love! I love my husband, my family and my friends. I love you guys. I love my neighborhood, my life, and my job. And I love the baby. Similarly, I feel loved myself, too. Everyone has just been so kind to me! At times, being pregnant feels like I’m on one long Kairos retreat. (Any other Catholic school kids out there?)
Admittedly, I don’t feel an incredible connection to the little boy or girl in my belly quite yet. Maybe because I don’t know the sex? Or maybe it’s something everyone struggles with, since you can only feel the baby at this point? I’m not sure. Still, there’s an enormous amount of love there. And I know that the love and connection I’ll feel when I finally have him or her in my arms will be unimaginable. I can’t wait to meet you, Baby Larkin!
Fear
Can I just be honest here for a second? Childbirth scares me, and it has since I first learned about it as a kid and saw depictions of it on TV and in movies. Yes, I realize that those are dramatizations, and no, I wouldn’t say I’m freaking out here. Deep down, I know I can handle it. But still. It’s nerve-wracking not knowing how everything will go.
I tried really hard to only talk to my sister-in-law and good friend here in Chicago about it, as they both have great heads on their shoulders, are honest, and don’t embellish for the sake of a good story. (My SIL sat me down and walked me through what the day will probably be like, and paused every few minutes to ask me what I was thinking, and then explained more in depth why I didn’t have to be afraid. It was awesome.) However, that hasn’t stopped others–including so many strangers!–from telling me horror stories. I’ve actually said on multiple occasions, “Please stop! Trying to stay level-headed and prevent a freakout.” But they keep going. I get it. People want to talk about and share one of the most significant days–if not the most significant day–of their lives, especially if their experiences were rough. But please! Talk about and share those traumatic experiences after I have the baby. ;)
That said, I’ve definitely started to feel better about the whole thing over the last few weeks. Honestly, it’s probably because I’m just about done with being pregnant, and I’m ready. I truly hope I go into labor right now. Bring it! (Except, like, nothing too crazy. Let’s make this a manageable one, haha.)
Anxiety
SO MUCH ANXIETY. (And unrelated to childbirth!)
There’s anxiety about being a good mother. And dropping the baby. And whether I’ll get the hang of breast feeding. And if anyone will ever sleep again. And healing. And whether I’ll have the chance to vacuum before I leave for the hospital. (I know. I’m nuts.) And if we do, in fact, have a spacious enough home for kids. And whether everything will be set up and clean and ready when the day comes. And how Noodle will handle everything. And if I’ll still be able to see my friends. And hold down a job. And make my baby smile. And change his or her diaper at the right time. And dress him or her so that he or she is comfortable. And whether the baby will lose too much weight in the beginning. And if he or she will be happy. And feel loved. And safe. And comforted. And what if I can’t stop the baby from crying? And what if… okay. I’m stopping. The bottom line is that EVERYTHING races through my head, and it’s exhausting! ;)
Euphoria
Sometimes I’m in complete amazement of my body. I can’t believe that it’s doing what it’s doing, and I almost feel like I have magic powers as a result. If I can grow a human, I can do anything, right?!
Restlessness & Boredom
Don’t get me wrong: I have a ton to do. I’m nesting like crazy, and I’m spending SO much time getting the house ready. I also have a lot of freelance and blog-related work that keeps me busy throughout my days at home. Still, I’m restless and bored. I’m tired of waiting, and because I don’t know when it’s happening, I’m getting antsy and anxious. While Mitch and I try really hard to get out several times throughout the day, I just feel like we’re always doing the same things because I’m so limited. Definitely can’t wait for change!
Peacefulness
At the same time, I often feel very at peace. I realize what’s important now that I’m about to have a child and start my family, and my head feels clearer as a result. Little things that used to bother me don’t anymore, and–I guess I’d say that there’s more clarity. :)
Gratitude
It’s impossible to convey just how grateful I am for this baby. For the longest time, I thought children weren’t in the cards for us. And now, we’re about to have a baby. I’m grateful to Mitch, to my doctors, to my family, to my friends, and to you for the love and support that’ve been showered over the last nine months. Besides marrying Mitch, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m beyond thankful.
