The Dad Survival Guide

Tuckernuck Sale extended through today only! Use code “HBDUSA” to take 20 percent off orders of $200+. Shop all of Kelly’s favorite Fourth of July sales here!

Kelly’s wearing: Tuckernuck dress c/o (She also loves this nearly identical one and this one! Remember o use code “HBDUSA” to take 20 percent off orders of $200+. Last day of sale!) / Initial Necklace / Replacement Sunglasses! / Jack Rogers (Part of Tuckernuck’s sale, too!) / L.L.Bean Tote c/o (Also love this one and this one!)

Mitch here!

Doug Charon of Isn’t That Charming fame (aka “Isn’t That Doug”) and I are teaming up for this week’s installment of the Motherhood Series. I am in complete awe of Kelly and Emily as moms, and I think my inclusion as a writer in this series will likely be a straight-up insult to the very concept of motherhood. But we’re giving our wives the day off. :) Aren’t we gentlemen?!

Doug and I have bandied about a few concepts for this post. Some of ’em included “Why Are We Doing This?” “How to BS a Motherhood Post” and “Procrastination For New Dads.” But we settled on “The Dad Survival Guide” because any new dad can agree that this is exactly what we’re all doing: raise some great kids, have fun doing it, and survive.

And if you are wondering, I’m getting by! My back apparently broke last week (Emma is a bowling ball), and I think I’m having a heart attack at least once a day when I pick her up. (I’m afraid to go to the doctor for fear of getting laughed at.) But besides that, things are good.

I’ve strangely found myself in the position of being the guy who knows what it’s like to have a kid. I’m an elder statesman of offspring and I want to use this status to dole out carefully comforting nuggets of peace to any new dads out there who might be seeking a little guidance. I repeat phrases like “everything is going to be okay” and “we’lll be fine” and “life is better now than ever before” on the reg, and these things are actually true! But you aren’t going to fall into this whole fatherhood thing without getting a few bruises.

What follows is a handy (IMHO) guide to helping new dads achieve that zen-like headspace of normalcy we all know and love. This list is not even close to comprehensive because (and you’ll learn this) I didn’t have enough time to finish it.

Sorry.

Anyway, let’s get to it:

Mitch’s Dad Survival Guide

Simplify

Life is tough and life with a baby is tougher. The key to keeping your head above water is to simplify your life in every way possible. I’m not talking about moving to the woods and growing your dinner, but if you don’t make a plan, plans will be made for you.

Divide and Conquer: When I was a kid, doing the dishes was the worst punishment imaginable. Now that I have a kid, doing the dishes is a satisfying first task to easily check off the old to-do list. Tell your spouse to buzz off and capture these enjoyable chores so you can cherish them all your own.
Outsource What You Can: We hired a cleaning lady. I pay some guy to do my taxes. I even put Noodle to work cleaning up scraps of food off the floor. Say yes to help! How hard is that? Grandmas, Gammies, Me-Maws and Gam-Gams are all welcome. And anyone else who offers. It takes a village to make your day not suck, so get over yourself and open your doors.
But Cook For Yourself: Listen, it doesn’t take some kind of extraordinarily handsome, talented, newly minted food blogger to tell you that cooking for yourself is worthwhile. Kelly and I fell into the trap of eating takeout during our first year and let me tell you: it made us feel like crap! Traditional Chicago cuisine is not exactly designed to make you a nimbly bimbly father rolling around the floor with the little ones, so cook for yourself and cut out the middle man (and cut down your middle section). I know I keep writing about Peapod, but it’s been a godsend.

Be yourself

Emma Catherine Larkin is the light of my life. The sun rises and falls upon her adorable little breaths. When she gets scared, she digs her fingernails into my shoulder and buries her face in my neck and it’s so cute you could just die.

But–can I can speak honestly?–I liked who I was before I had a kid, too. I used to be into all kinds of stuff! Cooking and exercising. Cool TV shows and video games. I frolfed. I rode bikes for fun. I’m pretty good at basketball. I read the freaking Dark Tower series from start to finish. It was really good!

What I’m trying to say is that you’re great. I mean, your adorable personality is the whole reason this baby exists, isn’t it? This is a critical mission after all. If you can’t “do you” anymore, what are your kids going to be like?

Don’t forget the wifey

It’s 2017 and I know it’s a broad statement to assume that your spouse is a wifey. I’m going to go ahead and appropriate the term wifey to represent your partner in crime for this little sparkle of life. Whoever that person is, it’s time to recognize the fact that you guys are in this thing together.

Your relationship with Said Wifey should remain your number one priority throughout your parenting journey. It’s like the preflight safety announcement on an airplane. You guys need to put on your oxygen masks first, and then put Baby’s on. Dedicate special times throughout the week to do your favorite things together and build alone time into the daily routine. Not only will your relationship benefit, but your kid will appreciate being around happy people all the time. That plus Emma is kind of a creeper and she gets this huge smile on her face when Kelly and I hug each other.

Side note: That’s why I included these family photos from El Matador Beach in Malibu. Don’t they just scream “happy family”? ;)

Truth: We got sunburns, and Emma had a poop explosion. But hey. It was still a lot of fun!

This parenting thing is hard, and as the Dad of an 11-month-old, I have a feeling it’s about to get much, much harder. Please leave any of your own survival tips in the comment section if you have some to share, and thanks for reading!

And don’t forget to read Doug’s article!